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The Ball of Kerriemuir (Ballynore) 
The Ball of Kerriemuir (Ballynore) 
'Twas on the first of August the party, it began. Now, never shall I forget, me lads, the gatherin' of the clans 
Singing, ``Who hae ye, lassie, (last nicht) Who hae ye noo? The ane that hae ye last time (The mon wha hae ye last nicht) He canna hae ye noo.'' 
'Twas the gatherin' o' the clans, mon, and everyone was there A-playin' wi' the lassies an' twinin' curly hair 
John McGowan, the father, was very surprised to see Four and twenty maidenheads a hanging from the tree. 
There was dancin' in the meadows, there was dancin' in the ricks, Ye could nae hear the bagpipes for the swishing o' the pricks. 
The bride was in the parlor explainin' to the groom The vagina, not the rectum, is the entrance to the womb. 
The queen was in the parlor, eatin' bread and honey The king was in the parlor maid, and she was in the money. 
The parson's daughter, she was there a sittin' way down front A wreath of roses in her hair and a carrot up her c***. 
The parson's wife, she was there her arse against the wall, Shoutin' to the laddie boys, ``I'll take ye one an' all.'' 
It's the first lady forward, and the second lady back And the third lady's finger in the fourth lady's crack. 
It's a' the ladies back, wi' yer arses tae the wall If ye can't get f***ed at Keriemuir, ye'll never get f***ed at all! 
The village priest, he was there and on the floor he sat Amusing himself by abusing himself and catching it on his hat. The undertaker, he went there dressed in a lime black shroud Swinging on the chandelier and pissing on the crowd. 
There was f***in' i' the stable, there was f***in' i' the ricks 
An' ye couldna' hear the music for the swishin' o' the pricks. 
The mayor's daughter, she was there and kept the crowd in fits By jumpin' off the mantle piece and landin' on her tits. 
There was screwing on the banister, screwing on the stairs Ye couldna' see the carpet for the mess o' curly hairs. 
The village idiot, he was there, he was a perfect fool. He sat beneath the oak tree and whittled off his tool. 
The village postman, he was there. the puir mon had the pox He could nae f*** the lassies, so he f***ed the letter box. 
The chimney sweep, he was there, but soon he got the boot, For every time he farted, he filled the room with soot. 
The groom by now was excited an' racin' through the halls He was pullin' on his pecker an' showin off his balls. 
Big John, the farmer, swore an oath, an' then he cursed an' grat For his forty acre corn field was completely f***it flat. 
The minister's wife was there as weel a' buckled to the front Wi' a wreath o' roses roun' her arse an' thrissels roun' her c***. 
The minister's dochter tae was there an' she gat roarin' fu' Sae they doubled her ower the midden wa' an' bulled her like a coo. 
And when the ball was over, the opinion was expressed: Although they liked the music, the screwin' was the best. 
Alternate chorus (braider Scots than most): 
Wi' a fa'll dae it this time Fa'll dae it noo? The yin that did it last time Canna dae it noo. 
Note: Written in the 1880's to celebrate the comings and goings of a supposed actual social event in the Kirriemuir district of Scotland.RG 
BR, RG , ARB