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The Teetotal Society 
The Teetotal Society 
I've come to exhort you so free all you that so fond of the bottle are And when you my argument see, ev'ry one will become a Teetotaler Of gin, brandy, rum, wine or beer to drink is a great impropriety Of trash I'd have you steer clear, and join the Teetotal Society. 
An old man was troubled with corns, that scarcely the stairs he could
 hobble up He used to drink beer out of horns, and all sorts of liquor would gobble up His corns all have left one by one, and now he's the pink of sobriety And pray how was all this done? Why? He joined the Teetotal Society. 
T'other day my young pigs and old sow, I found to be far gone in liquor In my family I this can't allow, to temperance being a sticker They had with grain from the brewer been fed, but now they shall share in
 sobriety Coffee grounds and tea leaves instead, and they shall join the Teetotal Society. 
A Teetotaler t'other day died, the doctor his friend did entice out, Examined his stomach inside, and they say took a large lump of ice out. This can't be true, for if ever we are ill of brandy we take a small
 moiety And melt ice you know brandy it will, it has been tried by the Teetotal Society. 
I wander about doing good, our society pays all my charges Preaching two hours at least, to coal heavers working on barges But they said,"If you carried our coals, of beer you'll soon see the
 propriety," But ah! they are sad wicked souls, they won't join the Teetotal Society. 
Folks ask what makes my nose so red? I'll tell and end all this puzzling It 'ant drink what gets in my head, it's blushing to see so much guzzling. Drops of brandy we take two or three, as medecine and no impropriety And put some in our gruel and tea, as allowed by the Teetotal Society. 
The people laugh at me. Oh dear! and puts my mind in sad order works And cries out whenever I appear,"How gets on the Temperence water works?" But I tells them I don't care dump, and preaches away on sobriety And for example drinks out of the pump, since I joined the Teetotal Society. 
In our progress there's nothing excels, in our efforts we never do
 slumber, sir We have dug six and fifty new wells! And erected of pumps a great number, sir I have here some Temperance tracts, of a most gratifying variety That record some most wonderful facts, about the Teetotal Society. 
A drunken beggar I very well know, quite lame and as thin as a rat he was Led by a dog he would go through the streets, for blind as a bat he was, You'll scarcely believe what I say, he's now the pink of sobriety He got fat and can see clear as day, since he joined the Teetotal Society, 
One night in my house every week, I holds forth on the beauties of Temperance Because when in public I speak, I'm subject to a good deal of imperance. After a lecture on Coffee they sup, or tea if they like for variety I charge a shilling a cup, since I joined the Teetotal Society. 
From Flashes o 
note: mid 1800s; cover sheet says "As sung by Mr. Chapman with the greatest applause at the Park Theater." No attribution, no copyright listed. RG 
oct97