Run For The Doctor - song lyrics 
American Old-time song lyrics from www.traditionalmusic.co.uk 
RUN FOR THE DOCTOR. 
When I got married the wife she said, "Mamma will live with us," I felt a strong objection, But I feared to make a fuss; And so "the old 'un" came-alas! I fear she'll never go, And the worst, oh! dear, she's always queer; For every day or so-
Chorus. It's run for the doctor, Charlie dear, Mother's token awfully queer. Run for your life for Doctor Crup, If you fall down don't stop to get up; Tell him she's got the old attack. Rheumatics up and down the back; Make haste, dear, or else I fear She'll never live till morning. 
My married life's a swindle, And my house a doctor's shop; There's nothing but bottles and nasty smells At my house from bottom to top; She's twenty bottles of tonlo a week, She's always taking pills; The doctor pays her visits. And I pay the doctor's bills 
Spoken-Nice; ain't it? The old bore complains that her indigestion is bad; her poor dear mother died from compulsion, poor soul, and plumbago runs in the family, and every time an attack come son, my wife rings all the bells and shrieks through the house-Chorus. 
She's always on the moan, and groans About the pain she feels; Complains of loss of appetite Directly after meals; She does her port, her drops of "short," Her chicken or lamb and peas, Whilst I'm reduced to mutton cold, And sometimes bread and cheese. 
Spoken-Nice; ain't it ? A stale crust and cheese in the kitchen but just as I am getting interested in my sumptious fare, my wife shrieks over the bannisters-Chorus. 
Since she's been in the house I've been A wretched bachelor quite; I only see my wife of a day, For she's with her ma all night. Sometimes I get asleep and dream I'm settled in paradise. But the wife comes and turns me out, And the weather as cold as ice. 
SPOKEN-Nice; ain't it ? Ten degrees below freezing, and I can't find my pantaloons. " Never mind them," says my, wife, "go as you are." " Go as I are, Maria ! I dare not." At last I get to the doctor's. He says, " put her head in hot water, and apply a not brick." I rush home and tell my wife. She screams; I bury my head under the bed-clothes, until once again I am turned out with-Chorus.