Tom Collins Is My Name - song lyrics 
American Old-time song lyrics from www.traditionalmusic.co.uk 
TOM COLLINS IS MY NAME. 
Tom Collins is my name, my friends, May I beg leave to state, You've beam of me, I dare suppose, Quite often here of late; I'm here, I'm there, I'm everywhere, But rather hard to find, So don't attempt to look me up, Unless you're well inclined. 
Spoken-I am pained to learn that so many of my friends have been searching for me in vain. I hear that I have been inquired for in a great number of places by many excited and hasty individuals, who had lost their tempers in the search. I am extremely sorry to have just missed them, but-
Chorus. I'm here, I'm there, I'm everywhere, And rather hard to find, So don't attempt to look me up, Unless you're well inclined. 
I count myself a gentleman, Or something of the sort, Though many seem inclined to take Me as a common sport; I'm willing to apologize, And reach my hand to all Who are inclined to wait on me, And give a friendly call. 
Spoken-Indeed. I have shed tears of sympathy for those who have been compelled to suffer the derision of the heartless, or stand treat on my account. I know the trials of mankind are many, and sometimes a little expensive, but I will make it all right with my persecuted friends it they will favor me with a visit; but-Chorus. 
I'll tell you how it is, my friends, And you will all agree, Some wretches without heart or soul, Are fooling you and me. So let us keep our tempers straight. And take the joke as fair, We'll get along much better, boys, In acting on the square. 
Spoken-I understand several persons are looking after me with weapons. I am sorry for it, for I can disappear like any ghost, and I would not wish them any unnecessary trouble. If there are any here who have been victimized, they can call upon me at-their convenience, and I will make amends; but-Chorus.