If We Only Had Our Way - song lyrics 
American Old-time song lyrics from www.traditionalmusic.co.uk 
IF WE ONLY HAD OUR WAY. Written expressly for Rice and Barton. 
Of something new we're going to sing. And joy to many hearts 'twill bring, It's what we'd do with everything, If we only had our way; No more hard times, but plenty of cash, An absence of hair in boarding-house hash, Monopolies we quick would smash, If we only had our way. We'd clean each street, get rid of each beat. To the girls so sweet we d give small feet, Beer from each mountain would freely flow, We'd feed Oscar Wilde with fried bails of snow; To fight the Indians we'd send our mother-in-law, We know they couldn't stand her terrible jaw. No more foreign paupers would land on our soil. We'd rub Henry Ward Beecher with St. Jacob's Oil; We' see that the rich gave poor men good pay, In fact, every man should receive fair play; Trade dollars would all be redeemed at par. And two cents the fare on every street car; We'd run a railroad clear up to the moon, Have snow storms in the middle of June, We'd make nigger minstrels get new gags; In Ireland we'd hoist American flags. Sara Bernhardt we'd make the ruler of France, Irving would black up for a song and dance; Each dude should have a nice little bang, In Connecticut a few murderers we'd hang, The Kennedy brothers we'd have mesmerized, Then get them so full they'd be paralyzed; No more the heathen Chinese man would wash the linen shirt. We'd send him back to China, where he could live in dirt. We get a few new ballet girls for men with heads of gray. All of these things we'd do if we only had our way. We'd collar the cash of millionaires, And then with it put on lots of airs, We'd make Bob lugersoll say his prayers, If we only had our way; We'd give each dude a little brain. Murderers wouldn't escape by being insane, The Star Route frauds we would explain, If we only had our way. Each politician elected, if in stealing detected. Would at once be corrected, by being ejected. And as for the brutes who whip their own wives, We'd have them will whipped, till they gave up their lives; In Congress we'd have a tew honest men, In Massachusetts we'd keep old bias-eyed Ben, Anna Dickinson's "Hamlet "we'd make all the rage, We'd get Beecher and Talmage to go on the stage; We'd get rid of both Republicans and Democrats, By having them fight like the Killkenny cats, We'd kiss every girl that had pretty lips, And buy for the navy a few dandy ships; Take charge of the army and treat the men right, Get Sullivan and Grant to have a prize right, Make Vanderbilt and Astor go digging for coal, Send Gould in his yacht to find the north pole; Introduce Mary Anderson to the Prince of Wales, Get rid of politicians by filling our jails, We'll have the best of "whiskey sold at one cent a glass, And you bet from no country would we take any sass; And as for Mrs. Langtry, we would send her home to stay, All of these things we would do if we only had our way.