I'm Sorry It Ever Occurred - song lyrics 
American Old-time song lyrics from www.traditionalmusic.co.uk 
I'M SORRY IT EVER OCCURRED. 
I started in life as a pharmacy clerk, And I'm sorry it ever occurred; I had a desire for medical work, And I'm sorry it ever occurred. I treated a man for a pain in his side, By giving him "strychnine "and "potash cyanide," I presume that he took it, for that night he died, And I'm sorry it ever occurred. 
I next took a notion a sailor to be, And I'm sorry it ever occurred; I "shivered my timbers "and started for sea, And I'm sorry it ever occurred. A great big wave swept clear over the deck, I opened my mouth and swallowed a peck, And I pulled my left lung through the back of my neck, And I'm sorry it ever occurred. 
I once asked a maiden If she'd marry me, And I'm sorry it ever occurred; She said if I'd get pa's consent she'd agree, And I'm sorry it ever occurred. I soon got a chance with the old man to speak, At his answer I went through the door like a streak, And I didn't sit down for the rest of the week, And I'm sorry it ever occurred, 
I once met a friend, who said, "how d'ye do, John?" And I'm sorry it ever occurred; I'm going to dine, so I hope you'll come on, And I'm sorry it ever occurred. Of course I went with him, on pleasure intent, And we certainly did dine to a royal extent, But he left me to pay, and I hadn't a cent, And I'm sorry it ever occurred. 
I went into the country to better my health, And I'm sorry it ever occurred; I left there a wreck in physique and wealth, And I'm sorry it ever occurred. The cows gave no milk, the hens wouldn't lay, It was ram, lamb and mutton, we'd eat every day, And the fine feather bed were big bundles of hay, And I'm sorry it ever occurred. 
As a blacksmith I sat on a three legged stool, And I'm sorry it ever occurred; I had something to do with the hind legs of a mule, And I'm sorry it ever occurred. I didn't do much, for the first thing I knew Like a cannon ball I struck the fence and went through, I was picked up somewhere out in Kalamazoo, And I'm sorry it ever occurred. 
I once told a friend that I thought I could sing, And I'm sorry it ever occurred; I've carried my voice ever since in a sling, And I'm sorry it ever occurred. I went for "high C "and, oh! what a tone, My crochets and quavers made the audience groan, And I split a cadenza way up the back-bone, And I'm sorry it ever occurred.