You Can't Do It - song lyrics 
American Old-time song lyrics from www.traditionalmusic.co.uk 
YOU CAN'T DO IT. Copyright, 1886, by White, Smith & Co. Words by Robert Reece. Music by Frontignac. 
I've been trying for years to live under my means, You can't do it; I've tried to avoid awkward conjugal scenes, You can't do it. Your wife says you'd better your income improve, To very much larger apartments remove, And get out of that horrible public-house groove, You can't do it. 
She says you must pay rent And taxes this week, You can't do it; You're to go to your friends the "spondulicks" to seek, You can't do it. She says what she earns is her own by the law-She gives you two hours' unlimited "jaw," Then expects you to eat mutton-chops that are raw, You can't do it. 
She gives you a brassy old bracelet to spout, You can't do it; then tells you "be quiet "and speaks with a shout, You can't do it. She wakes up the child And then sings for an hour, And scolds about "nothing" at fifty-horse power, And wants you to shut the back gale in a shower, You can't do it. 
She tells you to curb your addiction to thirst, Y'ou can't do it. She says, "Stop the leak!" when the water-pipes burst. You can't do it. She gives you the baby, your fingers to gnaw, Or clear out the boy when he's wallowed a "taw," Then asks you to kiss your old mother-in-law, You can't do it. 
If poker you're playing, don't bet on ace high, You can't do it; If you do, hid farewell to your cash, with a eight, You can't do it; And if you try faro, you'll And it the thing To bet your chips small and scoop in what they bring; When the deck is all dealt out, don't copper the king, You can't do it.