The Boarding-house - song lyrics 
American Old-time song lyrics from www.traditionalmusic.co.uk 
THE BOARDING-HOUSE. Copyright, 1881, by Henry J. Wehman. Written, Composed and Sung by Jas. McAvoy. 
We've got a room in a boarding-house too small to wash your face; We're too lazy for to leave it for to get another place; We never see a chainber-maid from morning until night, And the landlord, too, that keeps it he is a beauty bright; There's 14,000 rats and 19,000 cats come in and out as often as they please; They play hide-and-seek and tag round the wood-shed for a gag; Every one of them has bunions on his knees. 
Chorus. Through the hallway the tom-cats flicker, Where they scratch and fight and weep; And the landlord's wife, the kicker, she won't let no one sleep; When the daughter sings the boarders they yell, come off the perch; When she sings that chestnut called "Comrades "they tell her go to church. 
There are thirteen boarders In one room; they sleep on two bed-slats; They're all barefooted, for they threw their boots and shoes at cats; The porter's always full of ale; they use him for night-clerk; he lost his sight one foggy night a-looking after work. The landlord's daughter, Floss, her face Is full of Irish moss, With her fellow in the parlor starts a fight; The boarders jump like apes and fly down the fire-escapes, And on the sidewalk yell till broad daylight. 
Chorus. Twinkling stars are laughing at us, for we are not dressed; They holler to a half-starved boarder: Chuck me down my pants and vest. 
The cook she tries to run the place; she makes an awful bluff; She has a cheese-knife in her hand to make us think she's tough. We get beans that are thirty-five years old, blue-molded mush and buns; The regular boarders look to me like walking-skeletons; If you'd ever mention pie, they'd all take sick and die, "Twould insult them if they'd get a decent meal; The steak is tough as leather, and, when they get together In an operated Chorus how they squeal. 
Chorus. No soup-then we don't get any; Don't touch the cheese,-they let it lay there; And as soon as they all smell the butter-Ah, there I cover it and stay there. 
There's a couple sleeps next door to me-oh, how they scrap and fight; I'd give a dollar-bill to see their faces in daylight; They fight four hours every night, ten minutes to each round-At the wind-up you would fairly think the house was falling down. The wife she goes to bed with cracked ice on her head; The husband shoves his eye back into place. When I try to close my eyes, in walks a gang of flies And help the 'squitoes chew the whiskers off my face. 
Chorus. And how the flies and 'squitocs come early there to chew! I'd give a million dollars to sleep an hour or two; We are ossified already-we are hungry-now we'll stop. If we board there one week longer, we'll both die standing up.