The Grass Widower She's Going Out Of Town - song lyrics 
American Old-time song lyrics from www.traditionalmusic.co.uk 
THE GRASS WIDOWER(She's Going Out of Town) Copyright, 1891, by Charles Sheard & Co. Words and Music by J. H. Woodhouse. 
I feel so overjoyed, I do, for Mrs. Tumpkins, she Was ordered by the doctors for to take a trip to sea; I don't mean for to go upon the ocean, oh! dear, no; But just to take a sniff, you know, where briny breezes blow. 
Spoken.-And she's gone away for a week-fancy being a grass-widower for a week. This is the first week's holiday I've had since we've been married, and we've been married four years and six weeks come half-past 11 to-morrow morning. Oh! I will enjoy myself! I've given the servants a fortnights holiday, and told them to come back when they like, and I've locked the cat and dog in the parlor, and I've put two more cats and dogs with them, and I've had three breakfasts this morning all to myself, and-
Chorus. Oh! what a day I'm going to have to-morrow! My liberty I will regain, no more to be put down; Oh! what a spree! I'll pawn, beg, or borrow. For my old woman, for a week, has just gone out of town! 
I only hope when she arrives at Brighton, by the way, If she should bathe, I hope the tide will wash my love away; If she is drowned and never found, 'twill be a boon I'm sure, My matrimonial life has been a hard one to endure. 
Spoken.-I have suffered, although I look so gay and kittenish. My word, I have put up with something! I've always said I'd only have one master in our house, and that's all there Is, only one master-that's the missis-I'm a kind of foreman. My wife came down this morning and said she felt awfully queer. I said, "What's the matter?" She said, "I've got Scotch mist." I know how she's got it. I've been out of work a week, and she's had no money to get Scotch with, so she's missed it. Then she told me the doctor ordered her to go away for a week; I said, "Go away for two years." I packed her up some currant cake-well, there were do currants in it, but the holes were there where the currants had been. And we took a cab, but while we were in the cab, she turned 'round and said to me, "You massive brute! I do believe you wish I was dead!" Ain't it wonderful how wives guess your thoughts? Well, when we got on the platform, I felt so overjoyed I could have cuddled the engine. I asked the guard what time the train went, he said, "In five minutes." I said, "Send it off in three, and there's a pot of four-half for You." He said, "Shall I lock the lady in?" I said, "Nail her in! hammer her in!" And when the train left the station, I turned 'round and kissed all the porters; and I had two cabs home And ran between them, and I've Invited the two dressmakers from next door to come and have a cup of tea and bring A bit of sewing; and I'm going to sit on the table, take my boots off, put my feet on the mantle-piece, spit on the ceiling, and throw all the cups And saucers out of the window, And- Chorus. 
She made such preparations then as though she really would Forsake her home and husband dear, and stay away for good; There's no such luck-but if she should return to torture me, My face upon the Police News you're certain sure to see. 
Spoken.-There's one thing about my wife-she's lazy; won't get up till the streets are aired. I came home yesterday morning at one in the day, And there was no fire in the place; so l went outside our house and shouted, "Fire! fire!" All the people came rushing out, and said, "Where?" I said, "In everybody's house but mine!" She had rheumatickers in the ankle-bone of her shoulder-blade, And she said the doctor ordered her to rub it with gin And water. I told her to drink the gin and rub the water on. Since she's been doing that, we've had the Inspector calling every day, asking when we intend removing the cart-loads of bottles from our back-yard. And, you know, she never would let me have a latch-key; but I've got three in my pocket now, and I've ordered another gross of 'em. I shall keep going in And out our 
I house till I wear the lock out.-Chorus.