When Mosquitoes Cackle - song lyrics 
American Old-time song lyrics from www.traditionalmusic.co.uk 
WHEN MOSQUITOES CACKLE. Copyright, 1877, by White. Smith & Co. Words and Music by Ned Sletwa. 
A woman, a beauty it was, sir, a dashing, bewitching young elf, So tender and sweet in her manner that you'd like to wed her yourself; I sought out my darling papa, my secret to him I then broke-Be stroked his long whiskers a while, then softly these words he spoke: 
Chorus. "When mosquitoes cackle, when the chickens bark, When the dogs all whistle, marching through the park; When a girl is shy, sir, when the horses fly, sir, When the ocean's dry, sir, you may marry her. 
At my bad luck I then nothing daunted, quickly sought out the lady's mamma, For badly was I disappointed at the answer obtained from papa; I begged, I beseeched, I entreated-" Oh, give me the woman I crave." Through her eyeglasses blue she squinted, and this is the answer she gave: 
Chorus. "When the trees are dancing, when the houses walk, When the fish wear dress coats, when the turtles talk; When all the fools are dead, sir, when all the maids are wed, sir, When that pimple is a head, sir, you may marry her." 
At this I was terribly flustered, I nearly lost all of my hope, But up to the girl I then blustered to try to urge her to elope; She blushed as I popped her the question, "My darling, when shall we be wed?" She laid her head down on my shoulder And prettily, poutingly said: 
Chorus. "When every man is honest, when every girl is true, When every bee's a hornet, when every eye is blue; When hens for eggs lay pearls, sir, when your wire mustache curls, sir, When all my beaux are girls, sir, I will marry you." 
Two years found me still a bachelor, but In luxury now I rolled, For two years of good luck and labor left me with plenty of gold. I was sitting one day in my office when a lady stepped in at the door, She lifted her vail-'twas the charmer I would marry just two years before. 
Chorus. "When money is not wanted, when beggars wear fine clothes, When-----is mayor, when theatres all close; When this song is never sung, miss, when Pa and Ha are hung, miss, When you can hold your tongue, miss, I will marry you."