If I Were Really A King - song lyrics 
American Old-time song lyrics from www.traditionalmusic.co.uk 
IF I WERE REALLY A KING. Copyright, 1896, by T. B. Harms & Co. Words by Harry B. Smith. Music by Ludwig Englander. 
The monarchy I rule is small, I'm king of shreds and patches: I've crown and scepter, robe and all, but none of them are matches. My crown is made of paste-board light, my royal robe's in tatters; And when a "gendarme "heaves In sight, my noble army scatters. But if I were really a king-
Chorus. Yes, if you were really a king, Some laws I would make that would capture the cake, My subjects my praises should sing; I'd abolish all taxes, first thing; All trusts I'd compel to take wing, And no silver question should cause brain congestion, If I were really a king. 
If I were king, no titled snobs should come across the waters To find themselves such easy jobs as marrying rich men's daughters. All barbers should be deaf and dumb, all tramps should keep their distance, Cheap cigarettes and chewing gam should drop out of existence. Oh, if I were really a king-
Chorus. Yes, If you were really a king, The girl, on her wheel, should more comfortable feel, I'd declare knickerbockers the thing. The poet who warbles of spring, From a precipice high I would fling, And the matinee hat should be perfectly flat, If I were really a king.